There are days when I feel so young, like a 12-year-old in a world full of grown-ups. I can’t quite get my stuff together, I’m always playing catch up and worrying that people will notice that I don’t know what I’m doing. In other words, some days I feel like Ally McBeal — all confusion and no direction. Thankfully, that’s only some days. And I do a better job at faking my way through life than Ally does (based on a whole 3 episodes I’ve seen). The truth is that I don’t feel like an adult, or at least the way I always thought an adult would feel like. I don’t really know anything – in fact, the older I become, the more questions I have. When does this go away?
On other days I look around and wonder when I got so old. I watch the teenyboppers go around like they own the world and remember being that way just yesterday. When did people start calling me Ma’am? When did I become the chaperone, the designated grown-up, the responsible person? Surely it can’t be that I graduated from college — it can’t be that simple. When did the salespeople start attending me immediately instead of looking at me like I couldn’t afford anything anyway? I look at my little brother and shudder to think of what he’s going to go through (he’s 13). I give him advice like my mother gave me — i.e. boring and safe. And I swear that I’m saying the exact words my mother yelled at me. When did that happen?
So I stand with one foot in childhood (which I refuse to give up) and one foot in adultdom (which I’m not too sure I want anyway) and wonder if anyone else feels this way. At what point do I sit down and say: okay, this is what I am I am an adult or a young adult or a whatever and that’s that? Soon, I hope. I hate the idea of going around like some Ally McBeal doesn’t-wanna-be.
â€¦is something I learned from my father. He was always ill at ease with his daughters, of which he had three and I was the oldest, and personal conversations were rare. The one thing he learned eventually, though, was that he could preach politics to me all day and I would sit there with a fascinated look on my face. Politics, I found, were a lot like soap operas. And being political, I learned, was just another way of expressing your opinion. It’s too bad that politics are such a taboo subject, something that is usually avoided as a topic of conversation. Teachers, community leaders and even families avoid the subject in an effort to not offend each other by having different opinions. Heaven forbid that differences should exist. And we all know that nobody is educated, tolerant or civil enough to respect the facts that other people may disagree with his/her views.
Sorry, folks. I’m just rambling on because I’m tired of the oh-so-polite atmosphere that I’ve been caught up in recently. People don’t say what they mean or think, and that doesn’t give other people a chance to expose them to new ideas. And that means that they will never change their ideals. And that’s scary and frustrating and all those other things that infuriate me. So I have this incredible urge to grab every person I see and demand to know that they think and would they please stop being so closed-mouthed about it? I know I’m not making a lot of sense, but anger does that to me. Talk to all of you soon.
…has interrupted my good plans for my new story. Not that anyone will complain, mind you, since I never receive feedback (hint, hint!). Anyway, I’m adding some must-reads this week and re-posting a couple of editorials from last year since they are relevant. Miss Melty has started a Feminism discussion that has made some people think. So read her thoughts and maybe read mine. See ya soon.
I’m working on a new story right now. It’s a look at the current relationship of three marriages. These couples are all friends and have a soap opera of sorts going on. Who needs soap operas when you have real life? I have always maintained that I will never marry, and looking at these people, these three unhappily married couples, I renew my vow. I hope to have the first installment up this Friday and that I can get some feedback as I go along. Bye.