año nuevo

This year, in retrospect, has been very, very bad. Of course, whiny woman that I am, all of you already know that.

I would like to be able to look back and say that the year really hasn’t been all that bad. I want to be able to sit down and list the successes and accomplishments I’ve had, like my idea of a ‘normal’ person would. I’d like to be able to see all that I’ve done this year and say “see that, I did that, and it was a good thing.”

I can’t do that. I can’t look back at this miserable year, this 1998, and say “gee, that wasn’t too bad.” I can’t stop for a moment and think that things could have been worse. Because, quite honestly, I don’t like believing that they could have gotten worse. I don’t want to think about how lucky I am that the damage was . . . manageable.

What I want to do, what I’m going to do, is look towards 1999 as the beginning of a better era. That can’t be that difficult. It can’t be too hard to improve upon this purgatory of a year I’ve just survived. Can it?

I will have a better year, no matter what the gods or fate or whatever deity or supreme power is in charge of my good fortune has to say about it. Just stand back and watch me.

I will treat myself well, no matter how childish my parents decide to behave or how much guilt they drop at my doorstep. I am through playing Maria to their whims, martyr to their causes, good girl to their role as parents.

I am going to live happily ever after. Eventually. 1999 seems like as good a time as any to start up on that project. Not that I actually think that I’ll ever achieve complete and total happiness, but it’s a nice goal to have. It’s a nice dream to hold.

I guess I should make up some new year’s resolutions or something. Maybe have it made into a laminated card to carry around with me always. Some kind of Paloma commandments to help keep myself centered, focused. They would all be about me. Touchy feely stuff about loving myself, respecting myself and demanding respect from those around me. Things like working on relearning how to like who I am, difficult bitch that I can sometimes be. Difficult stuff like cutting myself away from my parents and their problems. Real stuff like goals for finding a new job and getting my finances in order.

I hope that all of you, my loyal readers, and even those of you who have wandered into this space because you got lost somewhere, that all of you have a happy new year. I hope your 1999 turns out to be good for you.

small update

Well, boys and girls. I got sick of the layout and design again and decided to do something about it. I’ve been a busy little girl. As you can see, the site looks very different. It has a different feel. I think I like it.

Don’t get too used to it.

Many of you have taken the time to read my “notes from me” little postings every once in a while, so you know that the purpose of this site is so that I have someplace to play. I get to do whatever I want to it since it’s mine. And that means that whenever it starts to bore me, I can simply take the whole thing, toss it out and create something new.

I haven’t added any writing, any substance, to mis días. It’s just the decorations that have changed.

By the way, Nivia Gonzalez, talento incomparable, created the lovely painting featured currently. You may recognize her work from the book jackets of Hijas del Quinto Sol and House on Mango Street. Her art is breathtaking. Her brown-skinned creations are uniquely divine. If you have a chance to see more of her work, please take it. You won’t regret it.

Small FYIs for those of you who have been waiting to hear about how my soap opera of a life is going. I’m no longer telefunding. I quit that to do something much more interesting. I’m actually working weekends as a video monitor. Basically, I watch tapes of the news and write down who said what about whom and in what context. They’re paying me to watch television. Isn’t that too cute for words? I’m sure that it’ll get boring after a while, but at least people won’t be cussing me out when I interrupt their dinners to ask for donations. And I don’t have to work evenings.

I’ve actually gone on a few real interviews. That is, interviews for full-time jobs that would, hypothetically, pay me enough that I wouldn’t need a part-time job to survive. I haven’t heard back from any of them, though, so I’m going to assume that I haven’t impressed anyone too much.

My current real job isn’t going too well. I have that trapped “I need to get the hell out of here” feeling whenever I’m in the office. It may just be pre-holiday blues or cabin fever or something. Or maybe I’ve just been there too long. The longest I had ever stayed at one job before this one was a year and a half. And that was part-time while I was in college. This is my third Christmas with the university, the second in my current position. I need to move on. Now I just need to have someone hire me.

On the plus side, I get one and a half weeks off, from Christmas through New Year’s. These days are paid and do not count against my vacation days. It’s just a perk of working for the university.