I didn’t know I wanted that until you told me I couldn’t have it

2013.10 chocolate cake 6814174341_efb33150bf_zI never aspired to the corner office. I never looked ahead and thought “I want to be the CEO” or “I want to be Vice President.”

For the most part, I let my career just sort of happen. It was aimless, but successful.

In my own way I’ve achieved a certain level of… limited renown for my area of expertise (under my other, everyday name). And that, too, has just sort of happened.

I’m wondering now if that was a mistake.

I heard someone say once that regret is just wondering about the roads not taken. That’s what I’ve been doing lately, wallowing in regret. Wondering what would have happened if I had done this thing or that thing,

Many of the decisions I’ve taken were influenced by factors that were unmovable. I couldn’t not take care of my family. I needed security because if I failed, I took down many people with me.

I didn’t have the options, the freedoms other people enjoyed. And I’ve made peace with it… or at least I thought I had.

Today, I’m not too sure about that.

I am over 40 and many doors are closed to me. There are things I just can’t do, things that are nearly impossible for me now. And after last year, things that are actually impossible for me now.

I’m having moments of regret.

Don’t worry, though. I will eat a slice of chocolate cake and it will go away, at least for a little while.

Photo courtesy http://www.flickr.com/photos/25897810@N00/6814174341.

I want the things that are bad for me

I really only have two vices: Diet Coke and coffee. I don’t drink Diet Coke because of the “diet” part; I got stuck on the taste years ago and never got to switch back. I don’t even indulge in the fancy coffee; I go for the plain coffee with Sweet ‘n Low and creamer. No half-caff with a shot and extra foam for me; I’m a cup of Joe kind of girl. I like what I like.

I’ve been counting my cans, keeping track of how much of these two liquids I consume. It’s the very least I can do.

I’ve managed to keep my coffee intake down by sheer will, and shame. I don’t want to be that person who makes a second pot of coffee in the afternoon. And I don’t usually get to have more than two cups in the morning because I have to share the pot with others.

CoffeeThis is actually much better than I used to be. Once upon a time I used to brew a pot of coffee in the morning. I would drink a cup and pour the rest in a thermos to take to work. Then I slowly emptied out the thermos, once cup at a time throughout the day. The last cup of coffee usually was sometime around 4 pm. Then I drank black tea in the evening at home. And that was on top of the many Diet Cokes I had throughout the day.

I am blessed, or cursed, with that ADD quirk that makes coffee something to calm me. It doesn’t make me hyper, it makes me calm. The only reason that I start to cut back is because my stomach starts to complain. My body knows it’s bad for me, even if my brain doesn’t want to acknowledge it.

So, I really am doing much better than I used to… but, I know from experience, it’s really easy to work my way up to that again.

I’ve been going through twice as many Diet Coke cans as is normal for me these days. I can’t pretend that I’m not. I buy enough for the week and I’m finishing the stock halfway through the week. And, instead of switching to water or something else, just make a mid-week stop at the corner store and buy more. I pretend not to notice.

I have, however, decided that I can have all the coffee and Diet Coke I want. I’m not allowing myself the $400 purse, the new clothes, the trip to Las Vegas that my girlfriends are doing next Spring, or the many other things I want. I think overindulging on caffeinated drinks is okay for now.

Tomorrow, we may have another conversation about this. Maybe after I’ve given in and bought the $400 purse.

***** Written on my ipad. I promise to proof and edit it later (maybe). ******

Smart Shopping in October

Edited, Photo by Emma.

I don’t need anything new. I rarely do. I’m one of those people who buys new canned food when I still have at least one of each in the pantry. I buy sodas when I’m low. I buy new pants when I notice the ones I own are starting to show wear. The same with shoes and other things.

I don’t like to run out of things. I don’t like to suddenly reach for something only to find that it’s not there.

Yes, I know that’s a little OCD, but I’ve made peace with who I am.

For those of you who aren’t trying to save money, and may honestly need one of these things, Lifehacker has a list of items that are best to buy in October. These include Cars (I bought mine over the summer), digital cameras (and mine is just a year and a half off), and, surprisingly, wedding supplies.

Their list is longer, of course, but those popped out at me.

Oh yeah, and cookware. Now, maybe, I do need some pots and pans…

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Source: The Best Things to Buy in October || Lifehacker