I turn 40 years old in approximately 50 days.
I am depressed. (that’s a non-clinical comment; my personal opinion)
I do not believe one is caused by the other; that is, my depression only has a little to do with my upcoming birthday. It’s a little, but still an influence.
Do men get freaked out by birthdays? Many of my girlfriends do, but I never used to. My 30th came and went with very little fuss. My 35th gave me about three minutes of hearing my biological clock ticking (thanks to my sister being pregnant that year and saying, over and over, that you couldn’t really have a healthy baby after your 35th birthday). But it seems that this year, the closer my 40th birthday gets to becoming reality, the worse I feel about it.
All I think about is where I thought I’d be by now, and all the ways that my life is different from what I’d expected. I never had very grandiose plans; my list of things to accomplish was not impressive. I guess that makes my inability to make them a reality even worse.
I’m feeling down, sad, irritated, out of patience with myself.
And I’m focusing on the ways that I’ve changed in the past 10 years, 20 years, 25 years. I’m fearful, comfortable, isolated. I built a semi-adequate hole (personally and professionally) and stayed in it.
I’m not achieving anything exceptional in my various roles.
What I want to do, what I need to do is to force myself out of my comfort zone. I need to create a goal and actually reach it.
So here’s my goal for the next 50 days or so: post in this blog every single day. I will write about the preparations for my birthday, the decisions I make, and the things that influence them.
And if I actually make that goal, then I will create another one.
Wish me luck!