I’ve been in this weird, lazy mood lately that I haven’t wanted to analyze. Unable to sleep the whole night. Prone to more headaches and migraines that I’ve had in a long while. Kind of sad, with this urge to have a good cry. I don’t even want to be at work, actually doing as little as possible when I am here. And I don’t want to talk, don’t want to answer questions about what I’m feeling or hear about the whines and complaints about other people’s lives and concerns. I just want to be left alone for a while.
It’s not a recent thing either.
Last month my mother, Arianna, Juan, Linda and her husband and children all set out for Mexico. {Cast notes can be found at .} They spent the whole weekend there, Thursday night to Sunday night. I spent the time alone. I went to work, I made my dinner, I did my stuff (yeah, that’s the technical work for it), alone. I realized, Saturday night, that other than one phone call I made to my mother early that day, I hadn’t spoken to another human being in more than 24 hours. I paid at the pump at the gas station. I checked myself out at one of the self-serve checkout counters at the grocery store. Nobody works at my weekend job but me on Saturday. I didn’t receive any phone calls. I didn’t make any phone calls. I spoke to no one. And it felt liberating. Right.
When I told this to my sister just this week, her comment was that that was why I “would never be allowed to live alone.” Her concern, in typical Arianna bluntness, is that I would turn into one of those “weird reclusive old ladies with too many cats and no friends.”
My family is planning another outing. Arianna, mother and Juan will be gone an entire week. Linda, Luis and kids will only be gone for Memorial Day weekend. It will be bliss, temporary and well deserved. I’m sure that I will miss them within days of their being gone, we’re too attached for me not to miss them. But I’m wondering if being alone that long is going to be good for me. With this melancholic mood of mine I’m afraid that I’ll get too deep into whatever has my hormones acting up. I am not an emotional person. At least I’m not one who gives in to the urge to focus on myself. At least not in real life. That’s what this site was created for, as an outlet that allowed me to remain relatively normal for the rest of the time. I do not want to know what’s making me moody, I just want the moodiness to go away.
I will, however, try to enjoy my solitude. I may not have another chance to have the house to myself, to sit there and not do anything and not have anything demanded of me. I may not have another chance to sigh and claim my time as my own for a long while. I will enjoy it.
