Tag: Moods

I am my own worst critic, A.K.A. who is that fat girl in the photo?

I am my own worst critic, A.K.A. who is that fat girl in the photo? (more info at palomacruz.com)

“Big.” “Chunky.” “Plus-sized.” These are all words my loved ones would use to describe my appearance. Others would just call me “fat.” The medical community would use the word “obese.”

Strangers and acquaintances alike take it upon themselves to try to shame me, to make me understand the way that I’m destroying the world by insisting on being fat. There’s an entire industry (several, in fact) dedicated to trying to solve this problem for me. And I’m told every day, in many many ways, that if I just stopped being fat I would be better, happier.

Most days I manage to drown out the external and internal voices that try incessantly to let me know that I’m a failure, that every “extra” pound is one more mark against me. Most days I’m just louder than the voices, so they don’t make an impact on my day. Some days I’m not.

I want to have the courage to wear a bright red fitted dress without thinking about the muffin top or the love handles. I want to have the boldness to have my photo taken without dreading the split second where I see just how fat I am compared to the others. I want to stop seeing myself, and judging myself, through the eyes of others. I want to stop it all … now.

And I don’t mean that I want to lose weight (though I want that too). And I don’t mean that I want better clothes (though I always want new clothes). I just want to love who I am, in my current size and shape, without having to work at it.

I guess when I achieve that I’ll know I’m actually, finally, a grown up.

In the meanwhile, I’ve challenged myself to try to take more selfies … and I’ve been failing at that too. But I will get better. And I will keep trying. At some point I’ll stop dreading the photo … eventually.

Trying to reinvent myself

Reinventing Myself (more info at palomacruz.com)

One of the biggest challenges I’ve been seeing lately is trying to answer questions about my plans for the future, immediate and long-term. I’m unemployed, I should be frantically looking for a new job … but I’m not. I should have some idea of what I’m going to do for money (a job or freelancing) … but I don’t. I should have some idea of what I would like to do in a business (assuming I “launch” one) … but I don’t. I actually don’t know anything right now. It’s disconcerting.

I give my family and friends a lot of credit, they’re being very supportive. They haven’t started to freak out on me yet. They haven’t started to push yet.

I’m pretty sure I don’t want another job, but I haven’t “decided” that yet. I’m pretty sure that I want to start my own business, but I haven’t taken the first steps to make that happen. I know that I want to do more fun things and to be more visible in offline events; this is one thing I have actually started to do.

I have started to rebrand myself, from a new cut and new clothes, to changing the type of writing I’m doing and reassessing what I want to show professionally. I think this may be my first step. But I need to establish some timelines; I can’t spent too long finding myself. At some point bills need to get paid.

I changed my life … now what?

I changed my life ... now what?

Have you ever wondered what happens the day after “happily ever after?” The day after the revolution? The day after you upend your entire life and change everything?

I did that a few weeks ago — changed my life. Well, sort of ripped it apart a little. Made a change that has an impact on everything. Now I’m wondering what I’m supposed to do next.

We identify ourselves a certain way — by our families, loved ones, careers, achievements, even by our looks — and we get attached to that way of thinking. I am the sum of those parts. When you take away one of them, what’s left?

Don’t mind me. This is middle-of-the-night rambling. I’ll make more sense with more sleep.

A mistaken sense of failure

Frog

A few years ago I started taking some graphic design classes at the local community college to get in touch with my creativity. The first semester was wonderful. I loved the classes, learned a lot. I’m still using some of the info and techniques I learned in that one semester.

The next semester was a disaster. The professor came into the classroom and read from the book for an hour. It. Was. Mind. Numbing.
It was boring and I hated it. I wasn’t engaged and wasn’t learning.

I was telling a friend over dinner about this horrendous experience and she gave me a very simple and, to me, astoundingly awesome insight: “Paloma, you signed up for the classes for fun. If you’re not enjoying it, drop it.”

And I sat there, awestruck with the simplicity of her solution. I could drop the class. It never occurred to me that I could actually drop the class and walk away.

I could drop the class!

My ability to focus on the end goal of a project has served me well. The tunnel vision I develop makes it possible for me to ensure that I will do what I set out to do. Unfortunately, it also means that I don’t see the simple things like when it’s a good idea to abandon something.

Walking away from this did not equal failure.

So I dropped the class and felt better. But I didn’t learn my lesson. This week has been a good example of the fact that I still haven’t learned when to walk away from horrendous situations. I’m still focusing on the end goal and not noticing the boiling water I’ve landed in in the meanwhile.

Fortunately, I still have wonderfully insightful friends who point out the obvious to me. “Paloma, stop being a dumb frog and get out of the boiling water.”

I think I’ll listen.

Image source: miniformat65 / Pixabay